Life is hard..unfair. at night, when your body is supposed to rest by sleeping, your mind begins to wander, thought floats about, giving you time to think things over. Being with others is not hard. it's part of your social life. In fact, it becomes a given that you should make friends with others, from the time you study in nursery until you graduate, and it does not end there. Sharing your life with them, those close to you, is a little hard, especially when it comes to sensitive, personal topics, but eventually it gets easier when you feel comfortable with the person and when trust develops. But sharing your life with someone else is even harder. Who knows what the future will bring? Is it even worth the risk? Of course, these are futile questions..Are you wasting time? Should you have done other things than..than, for instance, think about how hard it is? Why..

How do others see you? How do you see others? Do they see you the same way you see them? Or do they see you as you see yourself? How do you see yourself? Do you even take time to enjoy yourself, to release your inner side? Most of the time, we become too technical with the world around us. Everything becomes a routine, a plan, a goal. It is not wrong to doubt. The church who says doubting is a sin does not fully understand the workings ofthe God they worship. When you doubt, you question, you wonder, you think. When you think, you see things at a different light. People see things differently. Others see the glass of water half-full, others see it half-empty. I see the glass of water half-full, for certain situations.

It is your choice if you let "nature" as they say, control you. If you choose to "go with the flow", you will "go with the flow". If you want to reach a goal in life, you see signs as good signs. If, however, you sense danger ahead, you see bad signs. I am not saying that you are alone, that you alone can make yourself. That would be too selfish..and sad..On the contrary, I belive that the life you live does not need to be as hard as you think it is.

Don't make life harder than it already is. Don't make it harder for yourself. It is not the answers to your questions that are important, it is the process, the experince...that makes life worth living. In the end, when you have truly conquered your fear by doubting, and whether you regained strength by doubting or you lose hope, it is up to you if you CHooSe to be that way. It is up to you to take the risk, or to stay safe. It is up to you to belive in God or not.

True love is never effortless. Have patience, faith, doubt, more faith, more doubt, more more faith, more patience....and if things don't work out as you would have want them to, don't despair. Be happy for the experience you've experienced. It is hard to live life as if you are going to die the next day or the next hour, simply because you know that you are not yet going to die. Just stand for what you believe and be responsible for the choices you've made and will make. Life does not get easier as you go on, but it is up to you to continue your monotonous lifestyle and succomb to the workings of the modern broken world or to break free..to see life in a different light and to see yourself as more...to see others as more...to live life as more..There are some things we do not comprehend, and we have to accept our limitations. It does not mean, however, that we give in. Give up. In the words of the philosopher Gabriel Marcel, do not only have hope, but "be hope". For yourself, for others, for God (before going deeper into God's realm, the realm of mystery and the infinite, first understand the basic language of the world, yourself, and others.)

* Thank you to Philosophy for awakening myself to the sense of being. A lot of the ideas thought about here came from philosophy. Thank you to my faith in the infinite and everlasting God, whom i have recently doubted but Who now is regaining my strength and faith back again. I have more faith now than before. Thank you to others who continue to give me hope and encouragement, from little things to deeper, more personal relationships. The challenge to me now is to be that hope.

Dear God, I have constantly put You down and contributed to the thorns placed on Your head. May I ask for Your forgiveness and please may You take me back again..in that safe arms of Yours? Of course i already know the answer..but i feel so ashamed that I've been gone a long time..I do not expect that this is going to be easy, of course it's not.. but i am back and again, willing to be molded into .. please guide me for my first step. :)

--Mimi Asuncion

--July 16, 2006

--12:45 pm